"Spartacus" Haiku Review

Spartacus (Stanley Kubrick, 1960):

Free slaves while wearing
Toga - Dude! You are just like
Abe Lincoln in drag

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" Haiku Review

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (David Hand, 1937):

Narcissist employs
Live mirror to infiltrate
A midget gangbang

"King Kong (1933)" Haiku Review

King Kong (Merian C. Cooper, Ernest B. Shoedsack, 1933):

That cock-tease will drag
You half-way around the world
And then break your heart

"Fiddler on the Roof" Double Haiku Review

Fiddler on the Roof (Norman Jewison, 1971):

Fiddling on roof?
Sounds like liability
You need good lawyer

If I were a rich
Man, I would not let people
Fiddle on my roof

"The Graduate" Haiku Review

The Graduate (Mike Nichols, 1967):

Parsley, sage, and your
Mother is mine; Should have stayed
In that pool, Rain Man

"Blade" Haiku Review

Blade (Stephen Norrington, 1998): 

Snipes, we still love you
Pay taxes - then bloodsuckers
Will leave you alone

"The Howling" Haiku Review

The Howling (Joe Dante, 1981): 

Furries getaway
Carradine "chews" scenery
Dee Wallace needs Nair

"Run Lola Run" Haiku Review

Run Lola Run (Tom Tykwer, 1998): 

Predestination
Ain't shit to Lola.  Her deutsch
Ass runs that shit, yo! 

"Batman the Movie (1966)" Haiku Review

Batman the Movie (Leslie H. Martinson, 1966): 

Exploding shark scare
Do not blow up those nuns, dude!
POW!  BAM!  CRASH!  ya heard? 

"Face/Off" Haiku Review

Face/Off (John Woo, 1997): 

Does not matter who
Is wearing whose face; it is
Still overacting

"Annie Hall" Haiku Review

Annie Hall (Woody Allen, 1977): 

Afraid of lobsters?!?
Do not let "Deer Hunter" drive
You to the airport

"Beloved" Haiku Review

Beloved (Jonathan Demme, 1998):

Watch out now, Oprah!
That is not your old daughter
That some bad ju-ju

"X-Men" Haiku Review

X-Men (Bryan Singer, 2000): 

What a bunch of freaks
Do not touch my wiener, Rogue!
Stamos looks horny

"Deliverance" Haiku Review #2

Deliverance (John Boorman, 1972):

Weirdo plays banjo
Bestiality roleplay????
Bow hunt some bumpkins

"Godzilla" Haiku Review #1

Godzilla (Ishiro Honda, 1954):

Are you friend or foe?
Either way you could really
Use some binaca

"Harold and Maude" Haiku Review

Harold and Maude (Hal Ashby, 1971): 

I like death too much
Old lady lovin' for me!
Cat Stevens approves

"Star Wars (1977)" Haiku Review #1

Star Wars (George Lucas, 1977): 

Solo shoots first, yo
"Hidden Fortress" space knock-off
Phallic symbol spar

"The Exorcist" Haiku Review

The Exorcist (William Friedkin, 1973): 

Devil in Miss Blair
Peeing on floor - party foul
Kids....what can ya do?

"Star Trek (2009)" Haiku Review #1

Star Trek (J. J. Abrams, 2009): 

Green girlies or bust
Uhura is real fine, though
That ass lacks logic!

"Solaris (1972)" Haiku Review

Solaris (Andrei Tarkovsky, 1972):

Crazy cosmonauts
Never rid of that woman!
Space nastrovya?

"The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms" Haiku Review

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms (Eugene Lourie, 1953):

"I saw a monster!"
"You did not see a monster"
Monster eats New York

"Dracula (1931)" Haiku Review

Dracula (Tod Browning, 1931): 

Renfield - refined taste
Creepy old dude preys on girls
Obsessed with hickeys

"Goldfinger" Haiku Review

Goldfinger (Guy Hamilton, 1964): 

James Bond cheats cheaters
Gold spray paint misogyny
Who named you Pussy?!? 

"Deliverance" Haiku Review #1

Deliverance (John Boorman, 1972): 

Up creek, no paddle
Dirty business "in the end"
Roughing it gone wrong

"Twilight" Haiku Review

Twilight (Catherine Hardwicke, 2008):

Are you kidding me?
Tweens, you will grow out of this
Moms, shame on you all

"Akira" Haiku Review

Akira (Katsuhiro Otomo, 1988): 

Kaneda is rad
Tetsuo is jealous runt
His head gets real big

"Rolling Thunder" Haiku Review

Rolling Thunder (John Flynn, 1977): 

Fight in 'Nam - win coins!
Do not call me Captain Hook
Shoot up whore house? Sure!

"Forbidden Planet" Haiku Review

Forbidden Planet (Fred M. Wilcox, 1956): 

Leslie Nielsen - stud
Robby - drunk enabler
Old man mind monster

"A Boy and His Dog" Double Haiku Review

A Boy and His Dog (L.Q. Jones, 1975): 

Where did women go?
Talking dog will sniff them out
Scared of glowing sheets? 

Stop pumping my spunk!
Don, you need to feed your dog
One tasty lady! 

"The Little Mermaid" Haiku Review

The Little Mermaid (Ron Clements, John Musker, 1989):

Ariel - hoarder
Wild, ichthyophile lovin'
Priest pops a boner

"Powder" Haiku Review

Powder (Victor Salva, 1995):

Bigot feels deer pain
Dude could really use a tan
Don't trust whitey?

"River's Edge" Haiku Review

River's Edge (Tim Hunter, 1986): 

Crispin whacked on speed
Hopper loves inflatable
Keanu birthright

"Watchmen" Haiku Review

Watchmen (Zack Snyder, 2009):

Revisionist fluff
Big blue wang, lookit that thang
What! No giant squid?

"2001: A Space Odyssey" Haiku Review

2001: A Space Odyssey (Stanley Kubrik, 1968): 

Evolution slab
"Daisy, Daisy", Hal is dead
Space fetus, so deep

"Shaft (1971)" Haiku Review

Shaft (Gordon Parks, 1971): 

Deadly sex machine
Call child services, cause he
Is one bad mother

"The Karate Kid" Haiku Review

The Karate Kid (John G. Avildsen, 1984): 

Cousin of Vinny
Daniel-san - Miyagi maid
Italian kung-fu?

"Singin' in the Rain" Haiku Review

Singin' in the Rain (Stanley Donen, Gene Kelly, 1952): 

Singin' in the rain?
Might be a bad idea
You will catch a cold

"The Shining" Haiku Review

The Shining (Stanley Kubrik, 1980): 

Jack sucks at writing
Blood, madness, furries,....AND TWINS!
Scatman curates nudes

"Breakfast at Tiffany's" Haiku Review

Breakfast at Tiffany's (Blake Edwards, 1961):

Message for the mob
You suck at naming your pets
Asian Rooney screams

"Jacob's Ladder" Haiku Review

Jacob's Ladder (Adrian Lyne, 1990):

My girlfriend dances
With some dude who grew a tail
Man, 'Nam fucked me up!

"Amelie" Haiku Review

Amelie (Jean-Pierre Jeunet, 2001):

I tolerate sex
Oui!  I like this.  I like that.
I am quite nosy!

"Casablanca" Haiku Review

Casablanca (Michael Curtiz, 1943): 

You own a nice bar
Do you help Nazis, or what?
Girl...get on that plane!

"Soylent Green" Double Haiku Review

Soylent Green (Richard Fleischer, 1973):

Cops wear football gear
A beret for Edward G.
Heston lacks fashion

What you got to eat?
Tastes just like mom used to make
We savor each bite

"The Sound of Music" Haiku Review

The Sound of Music (Robert Wise, 1965):

No mom? Nun will do
You are always singing, huh?
Nuns hate Nazi cars

"Pulp Fiction" Haiku Review

Pulp Fiction (Quentin Tarantino, 1994): 

Bring Travolta back
Stab Uma with that needle
Ving, are you okay?

"Phantasm" Haiku Review

Phantasm (Don Coscarelli, 1979):

Baldy sells ice cream
Keep balls to yourself, geezer
Run little Baldwin

"Requiem For A Dream" Haiku Review

Requiem For A Dream (Darren Aronofsky, 2000):

Make your momma proud
You need drugs, "back to back" time
You will miss that arm

"The Wizard of Oz" Haiku Review

The Wizard of Oz (Victor Fleming, 1939):

That lady hates dogs
Lions, tigers, bears, who cares?
Oz was one big lie

"Raising Cain" Haiku Review

Raising Cain (Brian De Palma, 1992):

Wife buys clock for cock
Stop stealing babies, Lithgow!
Lithgow in a dress?

"Spanking the Monkey" Haiku Review

Spanking the Monkey (David O. Russell, 1994):

Spanking the monkey
Not really the problem here
Fucking your mom is

"Every Which Way But Loose" Double Haiku Review

Every Which Way But Loose (James Fargo, 1978):

Punch those rednecks, Clint!
Who ate all my oreos?
Cops and bikers suck!

Monkey flips the bird
Never trust country singers
Do not fuck with Maude

"Christine" Double Haiku Review

Christine (John Carpenter, 1983):

Oh, mad, possessed car
Old recluse sold you to me
Stop choking my date

I fixed your chassis
Is that Travolta's wife?
Please car, crash and burn

Let's get this party started

Aaaahhhh!  Our first haiku.  Isn't it cute?  What's that? What are we going to name it?
Never mind that.  Spank that haiku on the ass, and send it out into that cold, cruel world.

Haiku #1:

What am I doing?
None of your fucking business
Alright....watching films

Would you look at that.  Just one day old, and he's already fending for himself.  A bit of a feisty bugger, too.

In the beginning...

Welcome to "I'm Too Sexy For Haiku". Our mission statement is simple. Film + Haiku. We love film. Action films, art films, documentary films, funny films, horror films, sci-fi films, good films, bad films. Any, and all, films are possible haiku fodder. We will usually be using the 5-7-5 haiku form.

*Warning*
You may or may not need an intermediate knowledge of film and film lore to be in on the Haiku.  If you haven't seen the movie, the Haiku may not make a whole lot of sense. Also, spoilers abound. After all this is Haiku. We've only got so many syllables to get the point across.

Enjoy!